Five Books That Helped Me Recover From Perfectionism
“Don’t Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Good.”
If If you've ever interviewed for a job, likely you've been asked, "What's your biggest weakness?"
My boilerplate response was always, "I'm a perfectionist." I thought this was the "right" answer and would circumvent this ridiculous question by instead highlighting my diligence, work ethic, and hyper-attention to detail. I'd end my response with, "Well, I guess it's a weakness that's actually a strength," channeling my inner Elle Woods, “What, like it’s hard?”
The truth was that, yes, while I was a "perfectionist," I was completely paralyzed at work. I would get bogged down by the details of a project and had a hard time starting projects if I didn’t have the “perfect” plan of action outlined. Constructive feedback felt like career-ending criticism. I was morally attached to perfectionism, and it fueled my performance anxiety. Perfection is not attainable, and if that’s your goal, it will keep you from executing and operating at a high level and getting the job done well.
Here are the five books that helped me recover from perfectionism that are well worth the read.
Favorite Lines: "True self-confidence is the courage to be open - to welcome change and new ideas regardless of their source." Real self-confidence is not reflected in a title, an expensive suit, or a series of acquisitions. It is reflected in your mindset: your readiness to grow."
This book is an absolute must-read for anyone and everyone, and the premise is so simple. Do you have a "growth mindset" that is open to new ideas and experiences, or do you have a "fixed mindset" that keeps you stuck in comfortable habits and routines? Admittedly, it's a basic concept, but Dweck has put it together elegantly, reminding us that openness, active listening, and good old-fashioned grit are the ingredients for success. She ends each chapter with challenging questions to answer and practical next steps. Whatever role you play in life (parent, spouse, employee, coach, volunteer), you'll be a better one after reading this.
Favorite Lines: “I was still learning to value my contributions in the world, my insights, my ideas, my creativity, and my basic value as a woman. I was still pretty shaky in this area, and my lack of financial well-being was a reflection of my lack of self-value and self-love. Now that I had realized how I viewed myself, I knew I could change it. By addressing my lack of self-love, I was also addressing my financial problems."
This is a "run, don't walk" to Barnes and Noble's kind of book. I cannot underscore the importance of this book for perfectionists who assign moral value to their money management skills. For most millennials, financial literacy was not part of the school curriculum (super glad I learned about the Pythagorean Theorem in high school instead of taxes, investing, interest rates, yadda yadda). Perfectionists often have a lot of drama around money. But "money is not drama - it's just math." Listen to Kate. She'll fix all your money-mindset troubles in this book.
Favorite Lines: "Remember this: whatever price you pay, there's a bigger price to pay for not doing it than the price for doing it. The price of neglect is much worse than the price of the discipline. It may take a few years to put your success on track- but it takes your entire life to fail."
I ordered this book at the recommendation of a friend, and it ended up sitting on my bookcase way too long, and I wish I had read it sooner. Olsen dives into the importance of discipline and integrity - showing up and being consistent. It's not perfection; it's consistency that makes you successful. This book helped free me from the pressures of feeling like I had to have everything figured out all at once. Just dig in, day after day after day. He has seven principles you must practice routinely to gain The Slight Edge.
Show Up.
Be Consistent.
Have A Good Attitude.
Be Committed For A Long Period Of Time.
Have Faith And A Burning Desire.
Be Willing To Pay The Price.
Practice Integrity.
Favorite Lines: "As you move toward greater success, love, abundance, and creativity in your life, you will encounter the Upper Limit Problem. I say it is the only problem you really need to solve. The problem, though challenging, brings a priceless gift hidden within it. The gift reveals itself as you explore and solve the problem. The gift is a special kind of relationship: a living connection with the source of genius within you."
This book packs a few hard-hitting reality checks and will reveal the dark corners of your brain to you if you let it. In less than 200 pages, you'll understand your self-sabotaging habits and why you constantly feel like the rug is going to be pulled out from underneath you despite performing at a high level - a shared feeling among many perfectionists. It's worth reading more than once. I use the terminology from this book almost daily. Learn about your "Upper Limit Problems" and how to operate in your "Zone of Genius."
Favorite Line: "I realized that I could be right, or I could be free."
Four questions can change your perspective on any situation, no matter the circumstances - what Byron Katie calls "The Work." Our thoughts create our feelings, and here are the four things you need to ask yourself the next time you have thoughts about a work conflict, a confusing comment from your partner or friend - the list goes on and on. Our minds are funny. We cling to biases, assumptions, hurts, and judgments. For perfectionists, it can be hard to see things from someone else's point of view. If you need clarity on anything - literally anything - ask four simple questions about your thoughts (not your feelings) regarding the situation.
Is this thought true?
Can I absolutely know that it's true?
How do I react when I think this thought?
Who would I be without the thought?
I could go on and on and on about the power of "Thought Work" and how it's radically changed my life - but that's for another day.
I'd love to know what books have played a role in shaping you, personally and professionally.